Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay