Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
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God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.