Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
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[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel