Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
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Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I WON A HAM TODAY