Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.

My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

What the hell happened here.

*makes plans with someone*

(30 seconds later) what have I done

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

[Playing House]

Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.

Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.

Child: …

Me: What?

Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.

Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it