Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
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I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me: