Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
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Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to