Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
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the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious