Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith