Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
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Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Gemma Correll
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s