Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
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Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
New nose
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I hate my earbuds.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
The happy life.. 😊
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Breaking news:
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
