Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
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Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
scrabbled eggs
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?