Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
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“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
You learn something every day
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs