Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
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if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.