Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
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[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
