Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
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I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
how to have an accident 101
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.