Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
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Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Anime is real
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
How times have changed.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now