Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
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Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
One venti cheeseburger please.
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Ooh I do like a good funnel
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.