Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

Am I capable of premeditated murder?

Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

Schrödinger’s cookie

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

They are only bad decisions if you get caught

With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap