Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
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Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Meow?
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.