Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
