Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Just had my nails done!
they should invent a rest for the wicked
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
