Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
me when i smell free food in the break room
going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
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8
9
10
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
