Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
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I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
some Old Testament wisdom
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.