Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
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*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*