Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them

friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston

me: how are you doing this

friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston