Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.