Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
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The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.