Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
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Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
That’s classic.
