Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.

Only the dog is happy about this.

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

[on a date]

Her: I love music

Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?

The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk