Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

if my sleeping schedule was a person

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”