@QwertyJones3

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

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@PanicRestroom

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

@PleaseBeGneiss

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

@badbanana

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

@sree2weets

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

@1MeLrO

Blows you, kisses

See proper punctuation is important

@CantWaitToNap

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

@Laser_Cat

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

@LoveNLunchmeat

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

@hunz74

I just Googled “cool new rare diseases.”