Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
You Might Also Like
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo