Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.

Angel: One step ahead of you!

God: What did you do?!

Elephant: Quack

School be like

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink