Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
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public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Seems legit
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁