Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
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“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Möther may I have a snäck
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
every single time
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?