Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
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A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
*puts words between two asterisks*
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Phonetics
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better