Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
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My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”