Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
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Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Not today, today.
Not today.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
if you have never had a true email job, you might think – “it’s an email job, surely that means everyone at least checks their email and replies somewhat promptly when needed” but you would be stunned, stunned I say, to find the truth
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.