Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me

Interviewer: a job-related weakness…

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power

Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe

> what do you want to be when you grow up?

[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!

*fast forward 28 years*

> So you’re still fixing printers then?

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet