Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.

stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos

So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

HIM: I wanna be more than friends.

ME: You wanna be BEST friends?

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

at ease…shoulder.

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

That stupid look on my face, is my face

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.

Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!

So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”

We all winked at each other and got in our cars.

Teamwork.

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin