Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
You Might Also Like
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t