Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
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Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists