Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s

[having a discussion]

BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one