Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

I would like even faster food.

Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning

Sunday morning: wow I’m right here

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?

ME: he’s a NASA scientist

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.