Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
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Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Does this dress make me look cat?
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Meowchelangelo
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
12. I think about this all the damn time
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*