Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
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i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man