Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Whisper out to librarians!
Wednesday
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly