[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
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my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
This is my cat’s medicine.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Um … Hot Wings please
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want