PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
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When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening