PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
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(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*