PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
You Might Also Like
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I am yelling
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Just so funny
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?