PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
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in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.