Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

I need a headline like this

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what