Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

[Before 9 was invented]

7: damn I’m hungry

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

Went to the spa* this morning!

*Opened my dishwasher during the drying cycle

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes