Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
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[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:
Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
5 ways to appear taller
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.