Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
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My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
first you must answer his riddles
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.