Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
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gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
japanese corn
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]