Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
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DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
My favorite farside!!
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
My Sentiments Exactly
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
also my go-to takeaway order
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.