Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s

my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

Hang in there buddy

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

ME: I can’t find my glasses

SON: They’re on your head

ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”

Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”

Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.