Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Nice try, poison.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
