Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
