Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
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Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
My teenage children choosing violence
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house