#ParentingFacts
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[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
like swimming in quick dry cement
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting