#ParentingFacts
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Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.