#ParentingFacts
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“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
😂 amazing answer
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
✨☝️✨
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.