Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.

Me: 35%?!?… amateur

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.