Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
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“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
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*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.