Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

I think I’m gonna be sick

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.

Must work nights.

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.

Now hold it.

Hold it…

Hold it….

Hold it…

Keep holding it…

Die.

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

Who wore it best? #Oscars2015

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet