parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
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I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.